RSS

Category Archives: humour

Bring back The Act of Union of 1801

I am 27 years of age unfortunately, its not nice to think i will be 30 soon but in my time as a student of life , history, politics and a proud Irishman i have come to one startling conclusion. With all that this country has achieved since it became independent and all that has happened recently all i can think is its time to bring back The Act of Union of 1801.

The good old Act which created the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, its sounds so distinguished and makes Ireland sound important. We support british football teams, we watch stupid british talent shows and soap operas on tv, we speak their language and have a history going back over 800 years.

We have a symbiotic relationship with the UK, they are by far our largest trading partners. Since we left the UK this country has done nothing but stupid things like rip up the worlds best tram system to only come along 70 years later and spent a fortune on the LUAS. We sold the rights to our oil and gas fields and let the Spainish and French take all our fish.

If we were back in the UK we would again be part of one of the worlds leading countries instead of fannying around trying to be the 51st state of the USA or part of the United States of Europe bowing to our German overlords just like Hitler had intended.

I really dont like brockwurst but I do enjoy a Yorkshire-pudding with my sunday roast so bring back the Act of Union!!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on November 22, 2010 in Dublin City University, humour, Ireland

 

AndorrWhere?

There are still people out there who like to believe that the champions league is not the pinnacle of football, they lay that on the door step of international football. Yes international football, country vs. country the cream of one nation’s talent against that of another’s.

However the thrills and spills that the World-Cup and the continental championships can produce must also be balanced against the David v goliath matches that the selection processes of the football governing bodies regularly produces during the rounds of qualification for major championships. Some games which are meant to represent a competitive form of qualification make a mouse cornered by a cat seem like a fair fight.

Let’s take for example the round of fixtures for the 7th of September. Italy playing in Rome against the Faroe Islands managed by former Irish youth and senior manager Brian Kerr.

Italy has a long and glorious history in football, great players, great club sides and the winners of four world cups and one European championship. The Faroe Islands has a history of… fishing. According to twitter Brian Kerr’s contract includes a clause for all the free fish he can eat.

Italy won the game five – nil, no doubt a moral victory to the Faroe players. But really those it serve any purpose in the development of football in this Danish outpost in the North Sea?

The Faros is after all an autonomous part of the Kingdom of Denmark; it doesn’t have a foreign affairs department or embassies in countries. It’s not really a country so how can it have any place taking the field against a nation like Italy?

Well a potential member of FIFA and UEFA needs to be a sovereign state, so the minnows of Europe such as Andorra, the Faros and San Marino are established members, even if they have no hope of ever qualifying for a major championship.

Historically rebellious, the peoples’ republic of Cork could declare itself a sovereign entity within the state of Ireland and apply for FIFA membership. This would allow Stephen Ireland to resume his international career without having to share a team-bus with those pesky Dubs and compete against other sides awaiting FIFA status such as the Samiis from Lapland or the Romas from all over Europe, well except France.

Andorra, recent losers in the first soccer international to be held at the new Aviva stadium is a principality in the Pyrenees. The little man with the hot wife French president Nicolas Sarkozy is the ruling monarch, the Prince of Andorra!

The current qualifying competition for Euro 2012 to be hosted in Poland and the Ukraine consists of nine groups. These are drawn at random by UEFA but with teams’ allocated seeded places in the draw on the basis of their previous results in the competition.

Of the 51 nations taking part, 9 have a population of less than one million citizens. These are Andorra, Cyprus, Faroe Islands, Iceland, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Malta, Montenegro and San Marino.

In the interest of fairness and competition wouldn’t it be an idea to put these countries into their own group? Surely it would be better for the development of football in these countries if they weren’t routinely been thrashed by players who compete regularly in the champions league.

Given that Cyprus has shown in recent qualifying competitions an ability to be competitive you could exclude them from this group of minnows. Montenegro could also be discounted as it has many professional players and took part in the 2006 World Cup before the full separation from Serbia.

So that would leave you with a group containing 7 teams, one more than the standard group size. It would be easy for these countries to accommodate an extra round of fixtures as the majority of their players are amateurs.

The team which topped the group should be given a place in the play-offs against one of the runners-ups from the other groups for a spot in the EURO championships. The fans of these teams would be able to look forward to matches in which they had a good chance of performing well, along with a realistic shot at qualifying for a tournament.

In a two-legged play-off the potential group topper would fancy their chances, as has been shown in the past anything can happen when two teams, however unequal on paper, take part in a knock-out round.

It’s hard to judge whether UEFA President Michael Paltitni would ever look to adopt such a plan. His pet hobby seems to be tinkering with the club competitions and proposing that clubs not be run like Anglo-Irish bank.

It’s hard to imagine anyone opposing such a qualifying format. No countries governing body is every happy to be drawn with one of the amateur teams, every other side in your group whips them; the stadium is half full and the TV revenue pitiful.

If truth be told the minnows may not be so keen, they might foresee a drop in their own TV earnings in such a group structured like this, but with an increased interest at home and abroad from more competitive matches and a chance of a money-spinning play-off place for the group toppers, it may just be the spark needed to enliven a pedestrian qualifying competition.

 

An american travel blog from Ireland

“ I cant believe the moment I have been thinking about ever since I first had that thought like 5 months or forever ago is finally here, my dream has come im finally getting to visit the old country as moms mom calls it, im in Dublin!

Oy my good the flight took for like forever but you know me I had Miley to keep me companies as we flew miles above the Atlantic, that girl sure don’t  wanna be tamed! All the people are on my trip are all so totally amazing and awesome, im so lucky Dads college buddy and his touring business could hook me up.

You should see the airport in this town, its so crowded but they have this big shiny new building right beside the terminal but its empty. Thats something u see alot of in Ireland, empty new buildings, its kinda scary, like HELLO! Where have all the ppl gone?is there another potato famine goin on? I never saw it mentioned on E! News.

So we arrived off the bus from the airport in the main avenue O’ connellst and I just cudnt believe how small and quaint all the buildings are! Its like something off a Colin Farrell movie (FYI still no sign of him but fingers crossed, its a small place they all know each other here mom sayz)

Of course mom wudnt be too happy if she knew wat our guide had planned for us as we hit the beat of a Dublin street. I was going to get to see my first real life irish pub1! The guide said we just had to check out some bar called the temple! I cudnt wait to get my guiness on, especially since its legal for me to drink alcohol here! Go me!

Our guide Lucas didn’t seem to have an accent I was use to hearing from T.V. but he sure seemed to be able to talk a lot bout Dublin! Its kinda hard to remember all the names, every minute he wanted to point out some building or statue.

One ting I didn’t ting I wud learn about in Europe was irony but here in Dublin they have it sussed, right in the middle of their little city they have a completely pointless point! U cant even go up inside it, its just a silver tube pointing up, How crazy is that? U can see my twittpic of it, I think it could only be more ironic if it was actually made of iron and not some other shiny material.

So we had to cross sum river to get to the bar, I cant remember the name of the river but I sure can still smell it, il just call the stinky till I check google earth later. Lucas, our strange voiced guide, pointed out the bridge we were to use to get across but to me it looked kinda like an arched Children Bridge, not something to safely traverse a river. I tried to suggest a different route coz according to my watch there was a quicker way to get to the bar but Lucas insisted, “is most famous bridge in dubalin, the half a penny bridge!

I thought that must be what it cost to build, the rickety looking thing. From wat I cud understand from Lucas story it was call the half a penny bridge coz to use it we had to put half an irish penny into cups in the hands of ppl sitting down on the bridge. I didn’t have any Irish coins as all the American express guy at the airport gave me was this funny looking monopoly money called euros but thanks fully I was able to continue across the bridge as I finished a shiny US one cent coin from my LV purse. I figured a cent was fair as the guy holding the cup had something curled up beside him, a dog or his partner some bag of bones, they were so worn out looking sitting there collecting money from ppl using the bridge. They looked like they hadn’t eatn or slept in dayz, there must be another potato famine, and I must ask my pals on FB later.

So me and my travel buddies decided to take a picture of us standing on the bridge, we did pay the skeletons with their cups after all. Ppl didn’t look to happy as we stood there and they tried to push past us, don’t they know its for tourists and not pedestrians! Crazy Irish!

So that was my first day in Dublin town, IL hit this travel blog up again soon

TTYL!!!!!!!

 

Hail for the gate-keeper

Hail for the gate-keeper

It’s time for action; no longer can we let mother-nature tell us what to do. It’s not right is it when people want a week in Lanzarote but a volcano stands in the way.

The human race can no longer stand by and be pushed around by the whims of a volatile planet. In Geometric terms, the planet earth has now come to its life stage where it’s an unruly adolescent.

Emotional, unbalanced ready to fly off the handle at the smallest slight. Its acne is getting out of control, craters are spouting all over its face.

Planet earth needs to know who is in charge. A Strong swift hand is needed.

Thankfully as the nation-states sit around talking about credit default swaps and the cost of borrowing on the bonds market, people not concerned for budget deficits are prepared to worry about the long term future of the human race.

Bill Gates, in his infinite wisdom, sees the bigger picture. He has come a long way from his days playing around with other people’s inventions in his parents’ garage.

Bill doesn’t care for rules and regulations, for international agreement. He’s not waiting for the U.N. to stop twiddling its thumbs.

He is funding research into machines to suck up ten tonnes of seawater every second and spray it upwards. This would seed vast banks of white clouds to reflect the Sun’s rays away from Earth.

I don’t know about you but to me that just sounds cool. Global cooling that is.

This “geoengineering” is how we can take control of the planet we live on and show mother-nature we are in charge.

This is just the first step we can take. Other research is been carried out in areas such as artificial volcanoes, fake trees and mirrors in space. Instead of trying to get to the moon again people may soon be trying to travel to the centre of the earth.

Bill is a visionary who takes the issues of the future of the human race to heart. He is not afraid to stand up and admit that the biggest producers of CO2 are living, breathing human beings.

How much is all the hot air from talking about bank bailouts and economic growth indicators adding to global warming?

If we can just limit the amount of people walking around on this planet, if we can decide when we want rain, when we want volcanoes and grow frost resistant tomatoes we can all just kick-back and relax and surf with our windows compatible brain-chips on our 3-d media screens.

http://technology.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/tech_and_web/article7120011.ece

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WQtRI7A064

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/bill_gates.html

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article6350303.ece

http://www.computerworld.com/s/article/9141180/Intel_Chips_in_brains_will_control_computers_by_2020

 

Tags: , , , ,

Bankers, not just for Christmas

It’s been a tough time economically the last few months and no more so then for our poor bankers. Take a moment to think of these poor guys, it’s not easy for them now you know.

Once they were championed as the creators of the Celtic tiger, they were wined and dined by the politicians, the celebrities, all the big wheeler dealers in Ireland.

Little kids used to shower the ground they walked on with rose petals. Grandmothers used to offer novenas up for their good health as their grandkids could live the dream and be shackled for 40 years to a pile of bricks and mortar worth half the price of Seanie Fitzpatrick’s new shirt.

All Seanie ever wanted to do was live the capitalists dream, him and his golden circle. Now he can’t even walk down the street without the dogs looking at him funny.

He was questioned then released without charge by the fraud squad you know, most people seem ready to bring back the gallows. At least he was able to take a break from his troubles and was soon seen relaxing on the beaches of Portugal.

Unfortunately there was no sunshine for all the mortgage holders who had their interest rate increased last week.

It was also revealed last week by our minister for finance how much taxpayers money will be used by NAMA (that is the National Allocate Money to Assholes Agency, the extra A is hidden).

Every media outlet seems to be throwing out figures for how much the recapitalisation of banks and the purchase of bad loans by NAMA will cost the taxpayers and the tax payers’ children and grand children, e.g.  €200,000 per household or €2000 for every man woman and child.

I say what harm if future generations are levied with the reckless greed of bankers, property developers and politicians from the late twentieth century?

If the media is to be believed all the future generations will want to do is spend their money in head shops anyway so let them pay a bit of extra tax so that the Irish citizens can own the largest property portfolio in the world.

Think about the benefits to us, the taxpayers, for taking over ownership of that half-finished housing estate on the outskirts of Carrick-On-Shannon or that field on the road to Gorey zoned for retail development.

If Global warming is to be believed half of Leitrim will be under water in 50 years time so that unfinished housing estate in Carrick will become prime, beachfront property.

With such investment potential it’s a win-win situation for the tax payer (well maybe not the half of Leitrim that needs to take up scuba diving but that’s a topic for another day).

At least in this time of turmoil we can take faith in the politicians and the public service workers who serve us. They are working hard to solve the woes affecting the country, they spent a whole night locked in a room in Croke Park to try and ease the unrest amongst the public sector workers.

It’s not easy to raise kids, pay a mortgage and have two holidays a year on a public sector salary in the year 2010.

For now maybe the public sector workers will have to forego that extra week in Lanzarote, but they did manage to secure an agreement to freeze pay until 2015 and set in place a framework to restore pay to pre credit crunch levels.

As for the overhaul of the public sector promised in the last two budgets I’m sure we can expect an announcement soon, there must be an election around the corner.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 6, 2010 in humour, Ireland

 

Tags: , , ,